


Dear Vax

by Creatrix



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, Epistolary, F/M, Healing, Mentions of Death, Other, Percy is too amazing for words, Sadness, Sort of a Vox Machina Epilogue, Spoilers for 103, Talks of afterlife, This made me cry as I wrote it, Twins, Vex is destroyed, enjoy?, slight depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-07-01
Packaged: 2018-11-21 17:57:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11362641
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Creatrix/pseuds/Creatrix
Summary: Vex writes letters to her brother, as a way of dealing with the pain.





	Dear Vax

Dear Vax,

I cannot stop crying. I am crying as I write this. Why must you always make me cry you horrible fool.

Percy has handed me some tea, and Shaun just handed me his flask. That was nice of them. I’m drinking neither. My eyes are blurry and I can’t see what I’m writing.

Everyone is in Whitestone. With Vecna gone, all of our friends are taking a breather in my wonderful town. It doesn’t feel so wonderful without you here. The walls are empty. The laughs are quieter. Scanlan is all but catatonic without you. Kaylie hardly peppers him up anymore. But he holds her tighter, which means he’s not too far gone.

Keyleth is a mess. Korren came to see her. She cried in his chest for hours. He hadn’t realised what had happened until now. He told me about the year you spent with him. You seemed to have made a good impression on him. Keyleth hardly eats. Korren says it’s alright, since she’s finished her Aramente and doesn’t really need much sustenance to live, but it’s unnerving. She sleeps with your armour in her arms. I asked her once if it was uncomfortable but she didn’t answer.

I feel bad for Percy. He feels responsible for making us all happier while we’re in Whitestone. Not only that but now that your gone, he feels like it’s his job to keep Keyleth going. It’s sad to watch him go to her room with a plate full of food and come out with it untouched. He complains sometimes, and he apologises every time because he knows I’m grieving. I wish I could tell him that I want to know what eats at him too. But I can’t.

Grog doesn’t trust himself anymore. It eats at my soul to watch him everyday. Before he walks up to talk to someone, he looks at one of us for approval. I watched him try to train a Whitestone guard, and kept looking at Pike for reassurance that he wasn’t going to harm the soldier greatly. Grog is strong, and he knows where his limits lie. That is… He used to.

I used my spell to speak with Trinket, to see what he thought of everything. He said he hated seeing me upset. He said he missed you, and he wanted me to know that if I ever feel upset, I could give him a cuddle. I don’t know how lucky I got with Trinket. He also said that you smelled sick, and it was your time to go. He’s upset, but he knows that when things die, they go to nature. It was strange seeing death from an animal’s perspective.

Pike took your final death surprisingly well. It must be the whole faith thing. She misses you tremendously and sometimes asks me to do her hair up like you used to. It’s hard, I don’t know how you did it. Hopefully her hair isn’t knotted. She prayed to Sarenrae when you left us, and she said that the Raven Queen was taking care of your soul. It put me to ease… Only slightly. I still cried disgustingly and screamed when they burnt your body.

I feel half dead Vax. I don’t know what you did, I don’t know how it happened, but I feel like my heart doesn’t beat with the same ferocity it used to. I don’t feel like myself. I feel like shell, and the insides of me have been scooped out. I replay everything over and over, wondering what I could have done, what anyone could have done so that this didn’t happen.

I miss you. Every morning when I wake up, I wish you were down the hall waking up as well. I wish I could hear Grog shouting your name because you pranked him during the night. I wish I could see your face one more time. I wish I could tell you more. I wish, I wish and I wish. But nothing will ever be the same.

When I close my eyes, I remember the pebble incident. Do you remember? When we were little, and we went outside and competed against each other to find the prettiest rock. We told mother that she’d be the judge. We stayed out for hours looking for something. I remember seeing you pick up something and I was so mad I stayed out looking harder. It got late, and I couldn’t find anything. I saw out of the corner of my eye, you dropping a stone you found.

It was as big as my tiny fist. Blue, with black marbling through it. I hated that you found it first, but I wasn’t going to argue. We went back home and showed mother our pebbles. I handed her the blue stone, and you handed her a brown one. Mother chose mine. You smiled and congratulated me.

You threw the competition for me. My entire life you have taken care of me. You sold your soul for me. You came back from death to help me for a small amount of time. And I’ve never done anything for you except be an hindrance, a responsibility. I never became the person you could rely on. I regret that most of all.

There are so many things I wish I could take back. Things I would have done or said differently. I also wish I would have asked you more things, especially in your last days. I wanted to know if this was worth your life. I wanted to know if you lived it to the fullest. I wanted to know your regrets. I wanted to know anything more that I didn’t already know. Some days I wanted to just read your mind.

My heart will forever be broken Vax.

And somehow, I think the only person we can blame is me.

You are my brother. You are my twin. You are me. I love you. I miss you. Rest easy.

Your destroyed sister,

Vex.

 

* * *

 

 

Dear Vax,

Your funeral was nice. Or is it a wake? I’m not really sure what day it is today anyway. Percy told me there would be no dressing up anymore. It’s good having someone who knows of this kind of loss. He’s stopped me from trying to kill the Raven Queen more times then I can count.

Um, perhaps you want an update on what everyone is doing? Well Tary stayed for the funeral but he already left for Wildmount. Scanlan doesn’t want to go back to Ank’Harel. Grog might be leaving for Emon. Pike will go wherever Grog is going. Keyleth… Keyleth has been talking to the Sun Tree lately. It’s not bad per say… Just a bit odd.

But every time she steps away from the tree, she smiles. I think she’s getting her own version of therapy off a tree. Druids are weird, but I think I get why you like her. Slowly she’s been gathering herself. She has a responsibility and Kerrek has come past to see how she’s holding up. Percy breathed a sigh of relief when he saw Ker pull up at the gates of Whitestone. Keyleth seems to be doing better every day.

Hey Vax, I never really know what having a heavy heart felt like, but after your death it finally made sense to me. I couldn’t believe that my physical body could feel like this, just from my emotions. It’s weird. I don’t like it.

…

Shaun has been by your grave every day before sunrise. I think he stays until the sun crests the mountains. I watched him once, just to see what he was doing when he visits you. But he just talks. He sits cross-legged in front of the gravestone in his night wear talking. He tells you what he did that day, he tells you about the shop. Sometimes he complains about Sherri, but most of the time he tells you that he misses you. He says how you were a great man and he wished he would have pursued his feelings sooner. He wished he went further with you. He asks why you never loved him as much as he loved you. I know he’s upset, so don’t take what his saying as his honest feelings. It’s obvious how sad he is, but when he leaves your grave, he’s all smiles, and taking the day like he normally would.

Allura and Kima are here too. Allura is pretty busy with the whole post Vecna crap, but she told all her wizard colleagues that she was going to stay in Whitestone to grieve for a close loss. Kima is pretty upset. I didn’t know this, but she actually liked your company. Keyleth sometimes side glances at them, wincing whenever Kima fidgets with her wedding band or Allura kisses Kima’s head.

Kynan. Oh Kynan. He stood the entire time shaking with as much of a cold expression as he could muster. Jarett picked up on it early and pressed a hand into his shoulder, which just let the waterworks flow. That boy looked up to you, and for us to invite him to your funeral, it probably honed in on how close the two of you were. He will probably heal and go do better things in your honour. The man who gave him a second chance in life.

Velora doesn’t understand much. Syldor and Devana came to the funeral too. I think _he_ actually cried too. Asshole.

But… Despite everything that dick has done… I hugged him tight. I don’t know why. I hate him. But I couldn’t let him go. He has never respected us. But every attempt at being angry and pushing him off, I could only hold him closer.

Telling Velora was heartbreaking. She only cried because we were all crying. She asked question after question about where you were going, what you were doing, why you weren’t coming back. She keeps a raven feather behind her ear now.

Every single cleric, paladin or worshiper of the Raven Queen travelled to Whitestone to pay their respects. They all wore dark robes and hoods, and prayed with everyone else as we wished your spirit well to the other side. I talked to a couple of them, and they could only tell me that you were being taken care of.

I don’t know what to tell you of myself. I am healing ever so slowly. I talk, I go out, but I am so tired. I get night terrors, and need alcohol to get me to sleep. I’ve seen clerics, I’ve tried potions, but I cannot get myself to become more energized.

I told Percy I was writing to you. He asked me, ‘why are you doing this to yourself? He’s never going to read them dear.’ And I know you aren’t. You’re fucking dead. But some part of me just wants to keep you updated. I’m not doing it for you, I’m doing it for myself. And it’s morbid and probably unhealthy, but I want to talk to you as long as possible, even if you never reply.

Someday I’ll stop. I’ll realise that I don’t need to try to reach out to you anymore.

But right now, I need you more than anything. And this stupid piece of parchment is now you.

I love you with all my heart. My long lost brother.

Say hello to mother for me, 

Vex.

 

* * *

 

 

Hello Vax,

It’s been a while.

How is it on the other side? Are you flying around at obnoxiously fast speeds? Probably.

Well over here has been quiet. Everyone is going home. Shaun is back in Emon. Allura and Kima are travelling to Westruun. Father, Devana and Velora are heading back to Syngorn. Grog actually managed to find Camilla and is pursuing her up at Wildmount with Pike. Kaylie convinced Scanlan to go back to Marqet. Keyleth has gone back to Zephra with Korren. She leading a damn nation. It’s amazing.

Percy and I are living a quiet life at the moment. Percy is tinkering a thing called an engine. I’m excited to see where it’s going. Cassandra and I have gotten closer slowly. She’s opened up about the death of her family and the Briarwoods, and I’ve opened up about you.

Before I though that mine and Percy’s grief was the same, but that wasn’t the case at all. They had their family torn away overnight. I had time to say goodbye. I had to stand by you, knowing that your days were numbered. It burnt more, and it’s probably going to take longer to heal.

Percy said he’d wait for me. I don’t know if he’s talking about sex, or affection. I’ve been a bit stand offish, but I feel like I’ve shown him that I want him to be around me all the time. He’s my companion, who stops me from thinking too deeply and loosing myself in my thoughts. If it weren’t for him I would have gone crazy weeks ago.

I never mentioned, but as of late I’ve become a gardener. I never realised that the house I built has no damn plants! So I began growing flowers everywhere. Percy doesn’t think I can maintain them all, but it rains so often I think it’ll be fine.

Yesterday I went to your grave to talk to you. Just for a little bit. I only told you that I’d finished with training and was finally reading that book you gave me in our village hopping days. It was stupid, but I read the entire thing. Trinket sat beside me quietly the whole time.

Zahra told me the other day that she was thinking of working with Gilmore in creating magical items. I mean she is amazing at making dragon slaying arrows, so I could imagine what else she could make with Gilmore’s help. Kashaw said he likes it in Whitestone, and he says that he gets more money here then he ever got in the Slayers Take. Apparently Vanessa was upset about your death too.

Murtin said he was glad because now you weren’t butchering his name, but I think he was deeply distressed as well.

I think I’ve gotten my life back in some semi order. I still feel hollow, but I’ve found other things to fill that hole with. It messy and there is a lot of room but slowly my heart is growing stronger.

Percy has been incredible. I’m glad you always encouraged us. I am so thankful for always having amazing men around me.

Anyway, rest well brother.

I love you. 

Vex.

 

* * *

 

 

Vax.

I hate you.

I hate everything about you. I hate your choices in life and I hate you right now.

It had suddenly occurred to me, that you would miss everything important in my life. And now I cannot stop crying again like it’s the first day I lost you.

…

Cenokir did an amazing job on the ring.

I hate that you won’t be here to see it. I hate that you weren’t the first one I told that Percy proposed. I hate that you will never be dressed up nice and calming me down before I walk down the isle. I hate that you won’t stand and make a stupidly soppy speech that will 100% make me cry.

I hate that we hardly lived our lives before you left us. I’d thought we'd done it all. We defeated dragons, we’ve parlayed with gods- I thought I’d done it all. I’d believed there was nothing you’d miss. But I sit here at my desk, looking at this magnificent gold band around my finger and think, the simple things he’s going to miss. The small meaningless stuff that actually mean the world.

You’re going to miss everything that makes me, me. And I hate you for it.

I don’t know how I’m going to do this without my brother by my side. I’m scared, I’m nervous, and for once I wish I could hear your voice. I wish I could just hear you tell me what to do right now. But it’s futile. This I know.

So all I can do is confide in others. It’s okay though; Gilmore said he’d be more then happy to flare up the occasion.

Speaking of your past conquests, Keyleth has begun political ties between the Druid community and Tal’dorei. It’s so impressive to see Keyleth in meetings with a spring to her step and a wide smile on her face. She isn’t letting your death weigh on her responsibilities as a leader, which is utterly awe-inspiring. She created a memorial in Zephra in your honour. I went over yesterday and saw it -it’s very beautiful. Keyleth was in charge of making it and she did a great job with the stonework.

Fuck Vax. I never realised that I was going to miss you more on some days then others. Some days I hardly think about you until I’m in bed, or I catch myself in the mirror. Then memories flood my mind, and all I’m thinking about is my erratic, shoot first, think later brother. It makes my heart swoop low, and I wonder what you’re doing.

It reminds me of the year we took apart. When you were with Keyleth and I was here in Whitestone. I’d wonder what you were up to, and if you were enjoying yourself. However before, you’d visit me after a couple months and we’d update each other. This time, that’s never going to happen. You’re never going to come back and tell me what you’ve done while you’re away. Because you’re gone for good. I’ll never see that shitty face that resembles mine too much. I’m never going to talk and confide and hug you again. I’m never- 

Vax, I really want you at my wedding. I want you here. I want my brother who’s been by my side since the second I came into this world. And I can’t believe sometimes that you’re never coming back. You’ve always been close to me, and yet, you’ve gone where I cannot go.

You’re a shit head. But I love you. And currently I hate you for missing my wedding. But I will always love you.

Be safe,

Vex.

 

* * *

 

 

Dear Vax,

It’s been a while. I think it’s been a year to be exact. I haven’t spoken to you since Percy proposed to me. I remember that day vividly. I was so happy, I kissed and hugged him, then about 20 minutes later I began to cry, and ran into my room to write to you.

Well, I’m currently writing to you as Lady Vex’ahlia De Rolo. It runs nicely off the tongue I think. The wedding was splendid; I have to give Gilmore all the credit. He created fireflies to zip all around, and magical lanterns that hung around this gigantic tent we set up. All our friends came, our family, everyone that even meant something to us came and it sort of felt like a wedding and a remembrance ceremony.

I wore a long white dress, and I did my hair like you used to. I think it shook a lot of people. I also clipped a single raven feather on my dress, so I could have you by my side the entire time. However much I wanted you to walk me down the isle, I had to settle for you being there in spirit. I let Scanlan walk down with me. I don’t know why it felt fitting. He started crying as well, because it felt like a practice for Kaylie. What was funnier was her saying that she’d never get married.

Percy was flawless. I never realised how much I needed him until you were gone. I know he is a great man who loves and respects me, but the time when I felt like broken shards of myself, he just bundled me up in his arms and put me back together slowly. And he waited and kissed my shattered skin until I felt more like myself. I don’t think he’ll ever know how much he played into my recovery.

I was talking to Pike before it started and she said something to me that made my heart swell. She said that you’d be watching from wherever you are. And I was wondering if you were up there observing everything, making sure it was going to how I planned. And it made me smile.

Velora came as a flower girl. She looked insanely cute, and I had her immortalised by one of the artists we hired to draw some of the occasion. She wore her hair the same as me and she had her raven feather pinned to her dress as well. Pike, Keyleth, and Cassandra were beautiful bridesmaids and Grog, Jarett and Scanlan were Percy’s strapping groomsmen. Percy had to talk me heavily out of letting Trinket to be the ring bear-er. I thought it was funny.

It was a great night, so much music and eating and chatting and dancing. I wasn’t ever on my own and I always had someone around to tell me how beautiful I was. Halfway through the night, I walked up to the Whitestone cemetery and walking into your shrine to the Raven Queen. I sat in front of the blood and closed my eyes. I actually prayed.

When I closed my eyes, I went from a little chilled to warm. And weightless. And I was in an entire expanse of black, and there were gold strands of thread beneath me that expanded to infinity. And I stood in the middle with my wedding dress, floating. A giant white mask with 2 black holes for eyes pierced the darkness. And I heard her. I heard your Queen speak to me.

She told me I looked beautiful. She said that her Champion had done a good deed by sacrificing himself for me to live. Seeing me progress through life as he wished made her proud of her champion. She stepped forward until she was my size and she rested her hands on mine. And she told me not to worry about you. She told me that there is no purpose in thinking about the dead. She said I should remember you as you were and to not waste nights thinking about what you were doing right now.

She said that your ascension to the other side was magnificent. She said you walked proud and with no regrets. She said that you came to do what you needed to do on our lands, and that you’d be welcome to the arms of death fully and without consequence. You were going to sleep forever peacefully. She kissed my forehead and told me to live a long, happy life, and to visit her only when I’ve done everything I need to do.

I was slowly pulled back to myself, and there I sat in front of this shrine, and in some ways I felt better, but I couldn’t stop crying. I never realised how amazing you were. You were always my dumb brother who ran into the shit, that I played with in the forests, gave me wet willies in Abyssal class, braided my hair when I was half asleep, and now you were the fate of the world, and even a god like the Raven Queen could see how amazing you were.

I feel like I took you for granted. I should have hugged you tighter while you were here, I should have told you more how much I love you. I should have protected you. But somehow, I feel like this was our fate. And the only thing I can be thankful for, is that it didn’t turn out worse. At least your soul isn’t damned for eternity. At least you moved on to better things.

Percy tried his best to clean me up before the night was over, and we said goodbye to our guests and teleported through the SunTree to Ank’harel. That’s were we decided to spend our honeymoon.

I spoke to J’mon Sa Ord while we were there. I told them what happened to you, about Vecna, about everything. They were deeply saddened and gave me some brass arrows that catch people on fire. It was a sweet gesture, but I don’t think I’ll be wielding Fenthris for a while.

Anyway, have fun. Say hello to Tibs for me.

Hopefully I don’t need to speak to you for a while.

I love you, my amazing brother. 

Vex.

 

* * *

 

 

My dearest Vax,

I thought of you all day today. Percy says it’s normal, but I shouldn’t get too upset because it might be bad for the baby.

That’s right, your niece or nephew is growing inside me right now. They’re silent right now, so I suppose I should be asleep as well, but I wanted to take this small moment to write to you. I’d ask how you’ve been, but I know you’re living it up in the laps of the afterlife.

Over here has been quiet. I don’t see much of anyone anymore. After the wedding everyone went their separate ways again and I was left on my own with Percy. I did the Grey Hunt again and succeeded. I spoke a bit to Pelor while I was there too. After he helped with Vecna, now I speak a bit better with him during the Grey Hunts. He told me that I should speak to Pike soon, and that I was being given a miracle.

At first, I thought about that time when you came back to life and Pike was the first one there to see. But when I finally caught up with her in Westruun, which is were her and Grog are residing now, I was in bouts of throwing up and being extremely tired. At first I thought that Pelor meant the miracle of death since I felt awful, however when I spoke to Pike, her face lit up and she actually smile.

She told me I was pregnant. Percy almost fainted, which was slightly amusing. And when I came back I decided I’d write to you. I’m not sure how far along I am, but it takes a while to get from Westruun to Whitestone and my stomach is protruding just a bit. I can feel it inside me, so I must be at least halfway in?

But I’m excited and also a little crestfallen. You’ll never meet the life that’s inside me, and that makes me sad. But I promise to tell stories of their beautiful uncle Vax, and how amazing he was. How he killed Thordak and led a god army head first to Vecna. They may think I lie, they may think I embellish, but I will tell them the truth, and think back on how insane our lives truly were. I’m suddenly glad how quiet my life has become. How I wake in the morning, and check up on the Slayers Cake. Then I come to Percy and have lunch in his work room. Heading off to speak to the townsfolk. Walking up hand in hand to the castle to have dinner with Cassandra and any guests that are staying in the castle.

The repetitiveness is calming, and I like this normal life. I wonder what mother would say if she saw me right now. I wonder what you would say. I think you’d kill Percy for domesticating me. But I’m old. Not physically, but mentally. I’ve lived dozens of lifetimes in these short years. I deserve to sit back and live day to day.

Between the wedding and right now, a few things of note has happened. Keyleth is over at the water Ashari figuring how to get that fucking Kraken away from the portal so the wave riders can get the load stones safely. Grog and Pike built another temple to Sarenrae in Kymal. Scanlan found out he has a son. He wasn’t surprised and apparently Kaylie immediately adopted him into the Shorthalt clan that was progressively getting bigger. His name is Heath. Cute lad.

Speaking of children, Gilmore decided to adopt a half-elven boy he found sitting in front of his shop every day. His name is Deren, and according to Gilmore the ‘most adorable young man I have ever seen’. He’s only small, around 3 years old, but Gilmore is smitten with him.

Gilmore visited on the second anniversary of your death. So did Keyleth, and anyone else that wasn’t stuck in their busy lives. We made a little ceremony and spoke about our favourite times with you. Kynan was holding Simon and finally started using him as a companion. He feeds him daily and lets him loose at times.

I’ve rattled on for long enough and I’m starting to feel peckish.

Rest well my dear brother.

Vex.

 

* * *

 

Dear Vax,

He looks just like you.

We named him Vax’ildor Percival De Rolo.

He’s a sight to say the least.

At the moment, his face his squishy and his pointy ears are droopy, but he’s so beautiful.

When he was born, a raven cawed at my window. It scared all the nurses, but I knew that you were there with me, congratulating me. Percy rubbed my arms and told me that everything was okay. And it truly was.

He’s a silent little lamb. I have him in my arms as I write this. He’s asleep, snuffling into my arm, breathing slowly.

I have my little Vax.

Oh no, he’s waking up. I think he’s hungry.

All right goodbye my dear brother.

You’ll forever be missed, but not forgotten.

I love you. 

Vex.

 

* * *

 

Dear Vax,

This will be the last letter I write to you.

I have finally gotten over your death. There is no reason to speak to you anymore. Vax keeps my hours occupied, responsibilities of the city keeps me working, and I feel healed.

The heartache you caused has been smoothed over, and I am living to my fullest potential. Percy told me the other day that I seemed happier. I do feel greatly happier. My life is how I always wanted it; I have everything I’ve dreamed about. I’m content. I am happy, I am satisfied and I would love to stay like this for the rest of my life.

If anything ruined this, I would be greatly furious and destroy whatever was ruining my happiness. I love this life you’ve given me to live.

I cannot thank you enough brother. I cannot tell you in person how much your sacrifice means to me. As I grown older, and as every year passes without you, I realise that your death is the end of Vax’ildan’s story, but it doesn’t mean I cannot reread the tale.

And now that I’ve read your book chapter by chapter, it’s finally time that I begin to write my story more. So I will not write to the dead any longer. I will concentrate on the living.

I will look at my son, and think of all the great things he will do one day. I will watch my husband and wonder how he’s going to make this city greater then it already is. I will look at our friends and Trinket, and watch them forge their own paths. And I will smile and be happy. Because I am elated that we all get to live, even if you do not.

I will not write again brother.

But that doesn’t ever mean that I will one day forget you.

You are my heart, my soul. And I love you until the end of time.

But you are gone, and I am here. 

I have to live.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

My beautiful twin.

Please wait for me. I’ll see you soon.

Vex.


End file.
